Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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