In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
