just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
