just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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