This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
