Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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