OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
