The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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