why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
