what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
