You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
