The maid of honor just puked.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
