I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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