Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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