A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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