I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
