i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize