I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
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