I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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