so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
a search helicopter?!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
