or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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