you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
