my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I need to align my fucking chakras
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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