I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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