His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
