Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
