Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
