she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
sex in a hospital.. check
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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