The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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