he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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