I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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