I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so let's talk penis.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
