he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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