ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
