dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
