one two three fourrrrnication!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
