I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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