His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
