We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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