i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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