just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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