She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Found the puke drawer
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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