you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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