Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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