Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
