dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
