Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
honey bunches of taint.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize