I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
