I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
