I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
