Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
