Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize