I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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