I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
