Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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