Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
