Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
