guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
