My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
