I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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