My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
