I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
