im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
