Only a mothe r could love this liver
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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