Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
please come you make the beer taste better
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
