I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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