Your face is a jimmy john
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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