sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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