I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
