everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
