You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
