I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
