Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
