On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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